Friday, November 14, 2014
A year ago I would've never guessed life would be the way it is now.
This weekend marks 1 year since I was in the hospital for my falls. Of course they were just monitoring me and doing tests then sent me home. A few weeks later I was progressively getting worse and that is when I had my first surgery...no cancer was diagnosed at this time.
Fast forward to today, I am diagnosed with a cancer that I feel my doctors have no idea what to do and are just trying different things. If a successful story to them is "it's not growing", what is the downside, it is growing? And I spent all this time waiting for them to say "the dust hasn't settled." It's been 4 months...I'm pretty sure the dust has settled.
All I want to hear is that they have a plan to get the "slime" out of my spinal cord and found a way to fix my nerves and I wouldn't have to rely on a cane, walker & wheelchair.
It is so selfish of me to feel the way I do when people get to go out and live their life. I'm stuck at home or stuck feeling like great lets make sure the wheelchair and the walker are packed. I've been forcing myself to get out more and act as normal as possible but deep down I am fighting through being uncomfortable, seeing stares out of the corners of peoples eyes, or the pity look. The last thing I need is pity.
Cancer has definitely changed my life. Funny I feel it was for the better. I appreciate everything that much more. Even when I get a greeting card in the mail I put them on my table and read them again throughout the week. Simple things like that make my day. I woke up today to "I love you" post-its throughout the house. He knows I'll leave them up until they fall off.
Last week we had our 10 year class reunion. I can't believe it! I had such a great time reminiscing on memories and laughed so hard I cried. It's been a long time since that has happened. It's great knowing that even though we don't talk everyday my friends from elementary school are still there for me. We may have went different ways in life but it's such a comfort...these girls went through times we thought were the hardest of our life back then to actually having to face a real hardship with me.
Thanks for reading my babble...I just hope good news comes soon. We submitted my results to John Hopkins and are waiting to see if my case is something they will look at. I'm hoping to hear some time next week.
Your love and support mean so much to me, thank you!!
"No matter what it is, you're going to have the bad days, but if you have hope throughout, you won, no matter what the results. Life is so beautiful." Diem Brown