Saturday, March 21, 2015

Just breathe

Fear.  Defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.  Growing up, I didn't have many fears, but I wasn't a dare devil.  As I grew older and a little wiser I still can't believe some of the things I did that.  For example, I let my cousin launch me off her feet across the room only to break my arm.  Now things have totally changed. I fear that the cancer could grow or spread.  I fear that I won't walk again.  I fear I won't drive again.  I fear I won't be able to pick up my baby nieces or play with my nephews.  I fear I won't have a child of my own to pick up some day.  I fear I won't be able to enjoy things of my past time, shopping, biking, shooting hoops, etc.    

Emotion.  Defined as a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.  I feel that cancer has put a burden on my family, friends & husband.  Every time I come home from dr's appointments I feel like I just went through a break-up.  I don't know if I set my expectations too high and when I get the news from the dr. that nothing has changed, it's like dagger to my heart.  Yes, it's great that it didn't's great that my brain scans look normal.  I know we aren't under a treatment plan right now, and from the sounds of it, since nothing has changed, there won't be a treatment plan.  Yes, this news everyone says is great news, but I just don't feel great.  This disease has turned my world upside down.  I don't want to offend anyone or have people think I am depressed or ungrateful, but imagine going to bed one night and when you wake up your legs don't work.  I feel like until something major has happened to you, whether it be losing a wife/husband/child, a body part, hearing the words "you have cancer", you don't fully get it.  That sounds horrible of me to say, but unfortunately that is how I feel.  No matter how much you try to focus on the positives, the negatives don't just get up and walk away.  The piece of you that was taken away will never be replaced.  The break-up will always feel so fresh.

Goal.  Defined as the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result.  The dr. told my parents it would be at least 2 years before I would be walking again.  Unfortunately for them, I proved them wrong.  At about my 1 year mark of PT, I walked with my cane without any one holding me.  I'm on my feet more at home, doing dishes, cleaning, cooking dinner, and I even did my basement stairs (yes, I caught hell for this since no one was home).  So, goals for this year, be able to completely walk free of braces, cane and walker.  I can't wait to get behind the wheel again.  I need to fix my drop foot before I can drive so that is on my list as well.  I've been building up my upper body strength and plan to get just as strong in my legs. I want to be mentally and emotionally stronger.  I know I'm going to have negative days and I know it is perfectly okay to, but I want my positive days and moments to outshine the negative ones.

Thank you for the continued prayers and support.  Some days I just sit and read the cards that have been sent to me and remind myself I have a whole team behind me.  

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all of the fears you have overcome." -unknown