Monday, November 2, 2015


Everyone has an anniversary for long you have been with your significant other, how long it has been since a loved one has passed, how long you have been smoke free, how long it has been since you broke up with someone, how long you have been diagnosed with something.

November 5, 1994 I was in 3rd grade and was the flower girl in my cousins wedding.  I can still remember being in a car with someone who had their radio up so loud it made me sick so I switched vehicles and sat between the bride and groom while Zimas were being drank.  And if my memory serves me right, we had to stop at K-Mart for something....maybe it was hair tamer for my perm my mother gave me.

Fast forward to November 5, 2013.  I was so excited to wear a new pair of booties with a new sweater dress I bought to work.  I remember texting my cousin Happy Anniversary!  And the reply was, "my sweet flower girl."  Funny how little things like that stick in your memory.  We had finished the work day and I set the alarm to our building and when we were leaving I fell and luckily landed on chairs by the door.  My co-worker was concerned and I blamed it on tripping over the carpet.  I knew my leg just completely gave out, but I was too embarrassed to say anything,  November 5 2013, my first fall.

That weekend I had a girls shopping day planned in Pgh,  I limped around and tried to keep up with everyone.  I was on a mission to get Jonathan a watch for Christmas.  We were in Macy's going up the escalator and I went to step off with my left leg first and the next thing I know is I'm grabbing onto my best friend and falling.  Embarrassed again I put on a tough face and continued to limp around for the rest of the day.  I did get the last watch that was in Macy's inventory.  November 9, 2013, my second fall.

I knew Jonathan was at hunting camp and when I told him I fell, I got the vibe he didn't think it was a big deal...simple because I didn't make a big deal.  I figured I had something out of whack with my back and would go see the chiropractor the following week.  I continued to gimp around for a while and finally made an appointment.  When I got around to going to the chiropractor clinic it seemed I had pushed it off too long.  They were so concerned for me and wouldn't touch me.  They sent me to get an MRI.  I knew at work we were going to be short staffed so I kept sucking the pain up and my mom got me a cane to help me walk.  My god daughter* was to be baptized this weekend so I postponed my MRI.  That weekend, I got down on the floor with my niece and I couldn't get up.  We all were joking around about it, but I kept my poker face and didn't show the amount of pain I was in.

The next week begins and my chiro called and asked about my MRI, which I had yet to get.  She urged me to go to the emergency room because she felt something serious was happening.  I finally went and got my MRI.  The next day I was told I needed to come back and get another with contrast.  I still remember my mom calling and asking where I was and I felt like I was being babied and could handle getting another MRI on my own...little did I know I had to get a needle in my arm and I'm scared of needles.  I screamed at my mom for being there until she told me I had to have contrast dye injected into my arm through an IV.  At 27, yes I still needed my mom.

My mom was told to make an appointment with a neurologist immediately after my MRI.  My mom, brother-in-law and I went to the Dr.  After looking at my scan, he basically told me, there is a room at Presby waiting for me and I would  be seen.  Bam...just like that.  My families lives were forever changed.

After my stint in the hospital I was able to be there when my niece was born and hold her in my arms.  I have never held my baby niece and be able to walk around a room with her in constant fear that I would fall and be holding them.  She turns 2 this year.

We all cope in different ways...some bottle everything in, some become so angry, some accept it and move on and I feel that is exactly what I did.  2 years ago my life, my families life changed in a way that was never expected.  Today, I can't help but feel that time has been stolen from me.  Memories have been stolen from me.  I hate feeling like this, I hate the fact that my left foot doesn't respond to much, I mean I can wiggle my toes but that is about it.  I have been working so hard at getting my body better, but my left leg is just not responding.  I almost feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me and I feel abandoned.  Why I have all these emotions flowing through me I can't explain it.  I know I try to stay as positive as possible, but sometimes reality has a way of catching up with you and punching you in the face.  I'm blessed in so many ways and I need to refocus on what I have done in the past 2 years.  I'm beating the Dr's timeline of 2 years until I'd be walking again.

I just sit here feeling selfish and woe is me.  I know I can have days like today.  I had a good cry as soon as I got in my mother in laws car from PT.  Maybe that is all I needed, was a good cry and get it all out there.  I was in, what my husband calls it, "beast mode" at the gym.  I had my headphones on and I just gave it hell.  I guess when reality wants to punch me in the face, it better be able to take a good punch back.

I feel like this is all babble talk, but it makes me feel so much better getting it off my chest and out of my system.  Thank you all for the continued prayers and support you send my way.  On days like today, I sure can use them.

"Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness.  These are actually the days I am fighting my hardest."