Friday, October 3, 2014

I almost deleted all of this after I typed it...

3 weeks ago I started watching a new show on Fox called Red band society.  I saw the previews of teens that we're facing a challenge in their lives.  One had cancer.  His cancer wAs nothing like mine, he(Leo) had already lost his leg and his roommate (Jordi) also had cancer in the leg, scheduled to be removed the next morning.  At the end of the show he asked if it hurt.  

I've been asked how I am dealing with things and getting along and it give your predicted answer of I'm doing great, 1 day at a time, have my ups and downs but we are making it or pt is going great.  All of this is true but yes I do have "me days" were all I do is cry and just want my life back, or what did I do to deserve this?  Typically I pull myself together before Jon gets home from work and put a smile on my face.  He always sees through this but one thing he does is gives me my space.  He doesn't try to make it better, because we both know he can't get rid of the cancer and difficulties it has not only caused me, but also our marriage.  I am a lucky woman who found such an absolutely amazing man.  He works 50 hours a week, comes home and does the dishes and the laundry, Although he still puts work clothes with normal clothes, he still manages to get it done.  He also puts up with my daily I don't have an appetite, make whatever you want for dinner.  

As a new housewife, before the cancer, I used to attempt new recipes in the crock pot.  I considered myself the crock pot queen.  Then I got on a soup kick last winter and made 4 different soups in a day, just because I wanted to send them down to camp with him during hunting season.  It made me happy doing that for him.  Now it is such a process, is the crockpot on the bottom shelf where I can reach it, do we have all the ingredients to make dinner and surprise him.  

Since I can't drive, I rely on everyone on my family.  My dad calls himself my chauffeur, my mom comes up just about every day after work to help with everything possible & to see me, our cousin cleans our home, Linda drives me to and from PT and does our dishes to help take some of the load of her son.  It's just crazy to think that this is my life. When our parents are supposed to be enjoying the easy life, here they are and would be here for us in an instant.  And Lord knows how grateful I am because of all that they do. 

"What hurts the most is not that it is gone.  What hurts is remembering it what was there." Leo.  Now I'm not losing my leg or anything to that extent, but I have lost a lot of use of my legs.  I don't want this entry to be a woe is me, but when your world is flipped upside down it makes you realize all those basketball games, track and cross country meets (even though I hated them), softball gAmes, riding a bike, driving a car, ice skating, walking remi, cooking, crawling into bed, my husband, just makes everything appear that much more important and makes me ask, did I take it all for granted?

I never thought a tv show would get under my skin the way this episode had.  So then Jon buys me The Best of Me to read. Well as I typically am, I was an emotional sap and cried through it.  Then when I got to the end and her son feels he has had years of his life stolen from him, I was like that is exactly how I feel.  Maybe I'm having an epiphany or something but it feels good to let it out! Throughout this journey we have made the best of it.  I was known as "the tank girl" at the beach and made unforgettable memories.  I flew to NY in a private jet, I even had a Mohawk! 

As much as I can sit here and think of all the negatives I can probably outnumber them with the positives.

Thank you for taking the time to read how I felt tonight, but most importantly thank you for your love and continued support.  

  "Luck isn't getting what you want.  It's surviving what you don't want."


  1. Continued prayers Beth!! You are an inspiration to many!! God bless!!

  2. I haven't met you, but I went to school with Jon. I read your updates once in a while to see how you're doing.

    I'm glad you didn't delete this post. You deserve to be able to mourn for the losses that you've suffered - and they are major, Beth. It is also understandable that you would be very angry, sad and frustrated. You have a good head on your shoulders and a lot of wisdom for a young woman your age. I'm sure you feel like you have to paint a happy face for others, but it must get tiring to feel like you have to be strong for everyone. Please remember to be gentle with yourself - and who cares if you have bad days?! You're fighting a much different and tougher battle than most ever will. You get to be as pissed off and confused and sad for as long as you need to be while you adjust to this as best as you can.

    Whatever it takes for you to have peace within yourself is what I hope for you. xoxo