Pony tails...

Well for the first time in almost 2 years I am able to pull my hair into a ponytail. Lol I look like my neices and if I had a bow the style would be complete. But hey even if it's on top of my head it still is a ponytail!  Whoohoo.

I don't know if I ever talked about losing my hair or not. I have received numerous complements about people loving my short hair and keeping a pixie cut. Let's say this, I haven't had bangs since the 4th grade and having these side swept bangs drives me absolutely INSANE! I'm almost to the point of being to tuck behind my ear but dang, they are annoying. Instead of complaining about my hair, I am just blessed that I have it to complain about again!! I think keeping my hair this short will always remind me of the struggles I went through.  It's not that I don't appreciate the battle, but I just don't want to be reminded of it. I can't move on from cancer if I keep focusing on the bad. Cancer may be winning the battles but I know I will win the war.

I had a nightmare a few weeks ago that my cancer spread throughout my body and I had 6 weeks to live. Not going to lie, scares the crap out of me. It had me feeling down thinking of the all the what ifs.  I get that I have to live with this disease, but I can't imagine what would happen if it came true. Sitting here thinking about this brings to mind all the dreams I have of playing basketball again, walking, and most recently canoeing and rafting. These are the dreams that are going to come true.

Let go, let God.

My next scan is the 22nd, and having that dream makes me nervous.  Prayers and God will get me through this. Thank you for your continued support.

Battle through

Wow, summer is coming to an end already!  What a journey this 2015 has been already. The end of October will mark 2 years of tripping and falling for "no reason".  It's wild to think this would completely change the way I look at life and live life. If asked if I'm the same person that I was before cancer to the person I am now,  the answer is no. I feel like a completely different person.

First off, I feel like I grew up. At 26 and you receive news like I did was something I never would have guessed would have happened to me, let alone my family. I always think, I am glad God picked me to fight this battle for many reasons. I grew up and battled against a monster. I became mentally strong, I told myself every day I was going to get my life back. Thanks to PT I have been more physically fit and thanks to everyone who tells me how much progress I have made. Hearing this just makes me want to keep doing more, keeping pushing and not give up and not give in.
No matter what you are battling, remind yourself how strong you are, how far you have come. Always look forward. When I think about my diagnosis I think wow, a year ago I had no hair,  wasn't able to walk very well. And now I have a headful of hair and am walking with a cane and braces.
I had the script flipped on me this summer. Someone extremely close to me was diagnosed with cancer. At first I couldn't believe it. I was literally emotionless. I've never felt like that before. I thought to myself I am going to be their outlet, I am going to help them get through this because I am getting through this. I didn't really know how I was going to do it because I knew the emotions and questions running through their mind. Weeks before the surgery we stopped to eat and not much was said, but I really felt like we had the best conversation. We just got each other. When the day of surgery came, I didn't know what to expect other than you've been on the other side and I knew how I felt. I will admit it was difficult to see someone I looked to as my hero laying in so much pain and not being able to take it away. I know what it felt like to be laying in pain and no one could take it away. I just kept saying that you have to battle through it and we will get through it. We are still battling through it, but we share a connection with each other and can help each other. I want to inspire them from my experience. I want them to have a positive outlook on the future and recovering. It's a long battle, but I know together we will both come out as survivors. I think of the quote, "I may have had cancer, but cancer never had me."

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. I go for my rescan this month so hopefully all is well.

"Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage mean we face our fears. We are able to say, I have fallen but I will get up again."

Whirlwind

I'm extremely sorry for the lack of updates, as we know summer comes and it's the 4th of July and the next day seems like Labor day.

My family and I just got back from a wonderful vacation at Ocean City. We had such a great time, great weather, and great family memories. I was able to get in the water a couple of days with Jon and a boogie board. I would have give anything to have just run in and dive through the waves. Maybe next year. I am blessed that I was even able to get into the water.

There hasn't been much new on my progression. I think the week off of pt was a much needed and welcoming break. I was able to just relax. I am sure tomorrow I will be feeling a little sore after today's session, but like I was told, hard work ain't easy.  I feel like my left foot has taken a step backwards and that is frustrating to me. Hopefully in the next few weeks it will be back on track.

I've come to the realization that cancer just completely sucks. It hits you when you least expect it to and knocks you down some pegs. I know I have been strong and positive throughout this chapter of life but when it flips back on you to be strong and positive for someone else, I get a whole new perspective. As much as I want to ask God why now, I know he has a plan. I am still unsure of how to be a shoulder to lean on and help others stay positive and dig deep to battle. I feel when I was diagnosed I just accepted it and kept battling. It's a choice, you either want to battle or you want to give up. How my parents raised me was not to give up or give in. When things were tough for me I just kept thinking of the poem about the footsteps with God. He carried me through the battle and I'm sure he's not done yet.

I don't want my pain and struggles to make me a victim.  I want my battle to make me someone else's hero.

My family  could use some prayers in the next few weeks. I appreciate all the support you all have given me because I know without it I would not be who I am today.

Some positive news...

I had my rescan this past week and got a great response. Although the cancer is still present, it has not grown. The Dr's. were so impressed by my strength and walking capabilities. Having my Dr say she is blown away by how strong I am just makes me want to fight harder and get stronger. It is just so motivating to hear this. I push myself at therapy and now to see my hard work paying off...it's just amazing, leaves me speechless. I haven't had a dr this excited about my assessment in a long time and it feels so good. It's the first time I didn't leave my appointment mad, I had a smile on my face.

 My neurosurgeon wants to do a follow up appointment to check things out. When I was first diagnosed he said it would be 2 years before I'd be up and walking. Hard work, determination, a support system and a positive attitude can get you a lot farther than laying around feeling sorry for yourself. From day 1 I knew I had to fight. 

 Cancer teaches you a lot about your will, who you are, and I think most importantly, slow down and realize what is important in life. I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. A line has been drawn with before cancer and during cancer. I know I'll never be the same person I was before and I am okay with that. 

Thank you for the continued love, support and prayers. It is truly heartwarming having you support me.

"Victory doesn't come from a cancer free diagnosis but on how you choose to live your life while you have this disease. That is why you have to strive to be happy." ~Jose R. Arevalo, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma Survivor

It's just one of those days!

I know it has been a while since I have last updated, we have been keeping busy since it has been getting nice outside!  Over the past month, we had a very successful golf benefit, celebrated my dad's retirement, celebrated my husband's 35th birthday and among many other things!  At my golf outing, I took my shoe off and was able to drive a golf cart around with ease!  This only made my itch for driving again greater.  We celebrated my Dad's retirement in May as well.  We all showed up for his last hour of work and sent him out in style.  My dad was and still is a hard worker.  He and my mom made sure all of us girls got everything we wanted growing up.  I tell my husband its not my fault that we are spoiled, it's my parents!  I wanted to do something different for Jon's birthday and had help coming up with the idea of taking him to a casino, since he has never been to one.  We went to The Meadows, conveniently located by the outlets. Jon had never been to these outlets before so we christened him...and he hated it.  I made out quite well though =) .  The casino was a lot of fun, I enjoyed watching Jon do something new.  We had such a great time with friends and family.  Jon and I also celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.  We have been together for 5 years now and it still feels like yesterday that I met this guy at a bar in a softball uniform.  I always knew, from the beginning, that I was going to marry this him.

I go for my next scan in a few weeks, so fingers crossed I am still progressing in a positive way.  PT is going great as well.  We are still walking with a cane & started to walk some without my braces on.  It's an on-going battle between the braces and I, but at some point I think I will win the war.

When I started this post I was filled with anger and resentment towards everything that I've been trying to do today.  However, in typing out what I have been up to, it has me shown me how blessed I am.  So what has me frustrated?  Stupid things...like how my husband planted a shrub that I don't like, or finding his work clothes with normal clothes, not being able to carry laundry up and down the steps, walking out to the garage only to find no potting soil for a railing pot.  I should be focusing on how lucky and blessed I am that my husband does take the time to plant flowers in our empty flower beds and actually does the laundry and hangs my clothes that don't go in the dryer up to dry.  And how he will stop and get potting soil on his way home from work so I can plant some flowers after working 10 hours today.  Maybe it is good I get myself mad and worked up so I can see how fortunate I actually am.    God does work in mysterious ways!

Thank you all for your prayers and support.  As frustrating as it is to have things taken away from me, its refreshing to see my blessings.

"They say love is blind.  I disagree.  Infatuation is blind, love is all-seeing and accepting.  Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and accepting them.  Love is accepting the bad habits and mannerisms, and working around them.  Love is recognizing all the fears, insecurities, and knowing your role is to comfort.  Love is working through all the challenges and painful times.  Infatuation is fragile and will shatter when life is not perfect.  Love is strong and it strengthens because it is real."

Foot steps

It has been a while...

Dare I say that life has been going great?! I shouldnt say it is all roses and butterflies, but things are progressing in the right direction. Reflecting back over this past year and to where I am now is unbelievable. For one, I have hair, and for two, I have been walking with a cane unassisted  (most of the time). PT is going awesome. I am forever grateful for the group that I work with. They really are making me stronger, wiser and just full of determination. I truly look forward to Monday, Wednesday & Friday's. Not only do they treat me like family but they treat my family as one of their own. I have the up most respect for all of them. Each week is a new beginning as I set small goals for myself to the main goal. I'll settle for walking now, but eventually maybe even running again one day...who am I kidding I hated running. Maybe golfing...the last time I tried to swing a club was a disaster...yet comical. Thank you Chris for videoing the epic fall.

As the weather is finally breaking, I'm trying to be more active. I went yard selling with some of my girlfriends this weekend.  This was my first time and now I can't wait for the next one! The weather was perfect today so I was able to finish painting our patio furniture while Jon pressure washed the deck and sidewalks.  This is all because of your support that we are able to do this. Last year we were able to widen our sidewalks for me and build a new deck that I could function on.

All of your support, encouraging words, thoughts and prayers fill Jon and me with so much gratitude. I know that good things happen to those who wait but I'm the type of girl that doesn't want to wait...I want to do what I can to get it. I know that God is with me and any time I think why or feel down I always think of this to help me get through:

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

- by Mary Stevenson

Just breathe

Fear.  Defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.  Growing up, I didn't have many fears, but I wasn't a dare devil.  As I grew older and a little wiser I still can't believe some of the things I did that.  For example, I let my cousin launch me off her feet across the room only to break my arm.  Now things have totally changed. I fear that the cancer could grow or spread.  I fear that I won't walk again.  I fear I won't drive again.  I fear I won't be able to pick up my baby nieces or play with my nephews.  I fear I won't have a child of my own to pick up some day.  I fear I won't be able to enjoy things of my past time, shopping, biking, shooting hoops, etc.    

Emotion.  Defined as a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.  I feel that cancer has put a burden on my family, friends & husband.  Every time I come home from dr's appointments I feel like I just went through a break-up.  I don't know if I set my expectations too high and when I get the news from the dr. that nothing has changed, it's like dagger to my heart.  Yes, it's great that it didn't change...it's great that my brain scans look normal.  I know we aren't under a treatment plan right now, and from the sounds of it, since nothing has changed, there won't be a treatment plan.  Yes, this news everyone says is great news, but I just don't feel great.  This disease has turned my world upside down.  I don't want to offend anyone or have people think I am depressed or ungrateful, but imagine going to bed one night and when you wake up your legs don't work.  I feel like until something major has happened to you, whether it be losing a wife/husband/child, a body part, hearing the words "you have cancer", you don't fully get it.  That sounds horrible of me to say, but unfortunately that is how I feel.  No matter how much you try to focus on the positives, the negatives don't just get up and walk away.  The piece of you that was taken away will never be replaced.  The break-up will always feel so fresh.

Goal.  Defined as the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result.  The dr. told my parents it would be at least 2 years before I would be walking again.  Unfortunately for them, I proved them wrong.  At about my 1 year mark of PT, I walked with my cane without any one holding me.  I'm on my feet more at home, doing dishes, cleaning, cooking dinner, and I even did my basement stairs (yes, I caught hell for this since no one was home).  So, goals for this year, be able to completely walk free of braces, cane and walker.  I can't wait to get behind the wheel again.  I need to fix my drop foot before I can drive so that is on my list as well.  I've been building up my upper body strength and plan to get just as strong in my legs. I want to be mentally and emotionally stronger.  I know I'm going to have negative days and I know it is perfectly okay to, but I want my positive days and moments to outshine the negative ones.

Thank you for the continued prayers and support.  Some days I just sit and read the cards that have been sent to me and remind myself I have a whole team behind me.  

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all of the fears you have overcome." -unknown